Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
