The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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