so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
