Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
