now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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