I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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