Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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