On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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