It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
