Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
