Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
