Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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