dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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