Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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