Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
third nipple confirmed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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