Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
