So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
