DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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