There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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