What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
