If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
