What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
