Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
