his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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