I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
