You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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