That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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