24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
