i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
