I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
