I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
