the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
