I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
