Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
