so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
