I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Randomize
