If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
