I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
