ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
