im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Alive.
So much puke
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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