i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
