I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
