Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
