Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
