Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
