i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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