yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
