I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
