i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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