Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
