She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
