dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
