my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
